Does this blog still work?
Checking if this gets published
We all have an equal right to make a bid for self actualisation. The very best life is an enabling environment for everyone to reach for their perfection as you reach for your own; those of us who think this way are kindred spirits, of a fortunate tribe, and our lives make smiles.
I wrote a blog post called 'How to beat girls and women' in February 2007. Now it is 2016, and I just got a comment on it from someone called Love Hurts: "My husband is so tender and loving to me in some ways, but sometimes he rapes me and beats me. Then he tells me he is sorry that he would never want to hurt me. He says he fears it so I don't try to leave him. We have been best friends our whole lives as well, but he just gets so scared of me leaving that he becomes violent. I'm his first and only gf or wife. My ex before him beat me nearly to death and now I find myself dealing with this. Maybe there is no escape from sexual abuse. I was human trafficked as a child and forced into prostitution before escaping. I'm a survivor. Maybe tho I deserve this because of my childhood. he really is a good man. He loves me at least. My own father never did but he does." It is very difficult for an abused woman to close the space into which abuse happens. It's not a speck of use saying, Why do you stay? Because it follows one, from relationship to relationship. You start off with a perfectly normal man and after a few months or years he becomes a monster. Every time he shouts or hits you he tells you it is your fault. He beats your fault into you. This is particularly hard if your fault was hammered into you as a child, or if you suffered sexual abuse. He bellows. He judges. He snarls. You are never good enough. That was my life. I used to tiptoe quietly around the house, unsure when I entered a room where he was, if he was going to suddenly erupt in fury. And I knew that my fear was irritating. I knew that just me being scared was likely to make him bully me, and I didn't know how to stop being scared. Eventually I made up my mind to leave, but... wouldn't I go and create this again with another man? I had found myself in that space twice already. I was doing a Landmark Seminar at the time, and I booked a call with my seminar leader to help me work out how I would go about creating a relationship in which abusive behaviour was not possible. She started off telling me how disgusting it was that a man would behave like that. I agreed, but what could I do? That tack was getting nowhere. So then she asked me what I could create as a possibility that would make it impossible for abusive behaviour to exist in a relationship. I said, "Love. Honour. Responsibility. Caring. Respect..." Ok, she said, who could you respect? I started running through a list. I could respect my partner. I could respect the sanctity of the home. I could respect my children and their need for peace. And who else? She kept asking. And who else? Who else could you respect? I stared at the pretty kitchen cupboards and tried to think. Who else? Eventually she gave up and said, "You!! You could respect You!!" I was stunned. Had I not said Me? I hadn't said it! I am the last person in the world I think of as a doormat and I hadn't even thought that I could respect me! I suddenly saw something, about how I was being in that relationship. Something I had got from my mother. I didn't matter as long as everyone else was ok... Gosh!!!!! The seminar leader said, "Ok, I have got where I was going now, quick. What do you see as possible for a relationship in which abusive behaviour does not happen?" I couldn't think. I grabbed for the first words that came. "Err... Love, Respect and understanding," I said. "Great!" She said. "Lovely. Got to go! Bye!" I hung up the phone and stood there gawping at it. At that moment my partner came downstairs, turning at the bottom of the stairs to face me. I looked up at him, and I felt something different in the way I was standing. It was something in the base of my spine. We were in the middle of a fight, and he had come down to continue it. I saw him open his mouth, and look at me, and I saw is mind go blank. Whatever nastiness he had been about to utter, he could not remember it. He floundered, "Er, um... can I help with dinner?" My mouth fell open further. I narrated this story to a forum leader once, and asked her, why? why would a conversation of which he was not even a part, have affected his behaviour? She said, because we are 100% responsible for the behaviour of everyone around us. You are responsible for his behaviour, she said, and for the first time I heard that as a statement of power. That is my power. When I drop it, I pick it up. It is hard to carry it, though it is getting easier with time. 5 years later, he is a co-parent, not a partner, and he is still sometimes nasty at me. I resist reacting, I go away, and recreate it. Love, respect and understanding. Which one is flagging here? I admit it, it is always respect for myself. I recreate that I respect myself. I just do. I am some woman. And out of that the empowering response flows.
My last post was very enthusiastic but poorly argued. I seem to have got lost at the punch line.
Labels: Almasi, mundu mwara, Mundu Mwara studios
I've collected about 40kgs of clothes so far, baby clothes and teen girl clothes. I found a place in Forest Gate which can ship them to Kenya for £2.25 per kg with a £25 documentation fee as long as we do our own clearing. Which was a great option, as previous ways of shipping were running at £10 or £20 to Kenya. So I was going to pack about 20kgs of clothes and send, for £75. I did wonder how many baby clothes £75 would have bought in Nairobi, but I thought I might as well try it, so we could see what it was like in practice. Then I got paid and the bills hit (my other half is out of work at present) and it looks like I'll have to wait another month and see what I can do then! But I haven't forgotten or lost interest, I'm still mulling over the problem and sorting baby clothes.
Labels: baby clothes update
This is a republished version of an email I received from my friend Lynn in Nairobi.
Labels: baby clothes, baby clothes london, baby clothes needed
We're all going to have to shift to creating our own energy. We all need to live & work in buildings that generate their own electricity, and live in circumstances where we can walk to, or at least be able to name, or drive past somewhere in our weekly round, the fields where the crops are grown that give us oil for our bio-alcohol. We have the choice of doing this now, off our own bat, or doing it after 3/4's of us have died out, at which point those of us who are left will be unable to operate power plants or pipe oil, and will have to find & affix solar panels if we want electric light or heat, and plough fields to grow rapeseed etc, and make the requisite methanol/ethanol from the dung of our cows or old potatoes or whatever.
Labels: biofuel, cartoon studio, decentralised energy, domestic abuse, energy self sufficiency, save the human, The Kraken Wakes, war is a force that gives us meaning
The energy state of the world makes depressing reading! Hermann Scheer's Autonomous Energy crossed my path the last time I went to the library ... I wonder if we are going to save the planet! Well, actually the planet's in not much danger, it'll still be here. We won't. Or not many of us. I keep wondering if we're going to behave like we do in John Wyndham's The Kraken Wakes. In that apocalyptic novel the world buried its head in the sand till most of it was buried in water. The resulting population fall would be perfect, from Nature's point of view.
Labels: bhopal, Dow Chemicals, energy autonomy, fossil fuel, gas leak, hermann Scheer, khaufpur, mic, photovoltaic cells, Union Carbide