Tuesday 7th June

Spent the afternoon lying in a forest glade in Wanstead Park. Jennifer sat up, looked charming and played with the grass. Invisible birds chirped in the background as I fed Jennifer and ate my picnic. Passing people smiled fondly at us. You would never have thought I contemplated suicide at 3am in total despair as to lack of sleep. But I expected to be there with a crowd of Mummy friends, and never found them. Just heard they were at someone's house instead, how did I miss that? I'm functioning at half mast. Haven't started packing for Paris yet. Leaving on Thursday morning, and the strategic implicatioons of travelling plus baby and pram on the coach are quite big!

There was a pair of policemen on patrol in the park. What a wealthy society, to be able to afford such a sensible, unobtrusive, reassuring measure. To think of it, to action it. If you look at it cold bloodedly, after decades of colonial looting left this country much wealthier than mine, wasnt it clever of me to follow the wealth? Now, how can I move back and entice it to follow me? Sitting in the Nairobi Arboretum is just as blissful, much less isolated, and not as safe.

Monday June 6th 2005

In a flush of new project enthusiasm here goes ... Today I gave away a hauntingly beautiful ornamental cherry tree. It was burgundy coloured, leaves, bark, everything. It's one of very few presents I have given in my life which I so treasured I shall miss it. Luckily I have learnt that such things give more lasting joy if you can think of them giving joy to a person you value. In its place we planted a fruiting cherry, 'sweetheart', a Canadian import on a dwarf rootstock. Dwarf, yey, an 8 foot fruit tree that one can actually pick the fruits off!

Jennifer continues in her strike against food. Breastfeed exclusively for six months, the Word Of Woman said. Yes, but once they get that old how are you to convince them to change their ways? She closes her mouth firmly, she's even taught herself to cry with her mouth shut, or else she blows as the spoon approaches. I can see her turning over with her tongue the spoonfuls which do get in, thinking, "Who is this woman trying to kid? I know this isn't food!"

I am assured it has nothing to do with the six months thing - well, I didn't do it really, I started the baby rice at five and a half months so I suppose I can't blame that - she's just a baby who won't eat. And she'll get it eventually, I am sweetly assured by unconcerned mothers for whom this stage is now long ago. Meanwhile she fails to get a stomachful of stuff which will last the night, she spends most of the night awake breastfeeding and I'm wearing away to a wraith. Last night I exiled myself to the settee. She woke once more, then slept till morning. Right, that's it, girl, broke or not you're getting a cot, and we can start a no co-sleeping battle instead. I think of sleep as I used to think of sex when I wasn't in a relationship.

Sunday June 5th 2005

I have a few concerns about the state of the world today.
It's rubbish for most folk!
But life is nevertheless beautiful, which is the most perplexing thing. I have a simplistic solution for the shortage of resources and imminent collapse of the environment, and I'm going to stop and press post because I'm not quite sure what will happen ....

Japanese ornamental cherry - most beautiful spring sighting yet 

Jennifer, light of my life.